What you may not know is that I have discovered some incredibly scientific punctuation rules in my studies and journeys - rules that are not widely known but that are widely violated and abused without any thought to their universal consequence. I'm here today to share these rules, and maybe even to save your life. Yes, these rules are THAT serious.
Exclamation points:
You guys, here's the thing. You only get so many exclamation points in your lifetime; when you use them up, you die.
I know what you're thinking: "this chick be cra-cra." No, not at all. I'm serious! Here's how this rule works:
- Each person has an exclamation point limit.
- The limit is different for each person.
- The limits are unknown. Could be 0, could be 500,000,000, could be anything.
- When you use up your exclamation points, you die. This is not necessarily immediately - just sometime after you write/type your final exclamation point, and before you get the opportunity to write/type another.
- The exclamation point limit is only decreased when the punctuation is typed or written, not spoken or implied.
- When you use an exclamation point in print, and it gets reproduced or copied, the reproductions or copies do NOT subtract from your limit.
- If you type/write one, and it gets deleted or erased, it goes back into your lifetime supply.
Here are the standard practices I've adopted in order to avoid an early death:
- Never use more than one exclamation point at a time.
- Never use exclamation points on more than half of the sentences on the page or in the post.
- Spread the word of this rule whenever possible.
Commas:
Each keyboard has a comma limit. When it is reached, the comma key stops working and you get sentences like the following, only worse.
You can see how that would be a problem.
Question Marks:
Okay, people. A question is either interrogative or not. Adding extra question marks doesn't make it more so. Just as a woman can't be more or less pregnant once she's pregnant, a sentence can't be more or less interrogative once it's interrogative.
I know, I know. You think an extra question mark adds urgency. No, it does not. All those extraneous question marks end up floating around the universe and cluttering up space. They want a home, so they attach themselves to the end of any old sentence? Listen closely, and you can hear them in speech? Mostly, this happens in Australia, but it's becoming more and more prevalent in America?
So instead of adding urgency to the end of your sentences, those extra question marks end up making other people sound insincere and unintelligent. Are you proud of yourself now? Are you??
Apostrophes:
This is a gentle, delicate, sensitive punctuation that only wants to be useful in the world. Little baby apostrophes are born and bred to take the place of missing letters, and to show possession. They dream of growing up to provide clarity and even elegance to writing. But as they burst forth into the world, many of them find it a harsh place, full of people who think that plurals and my last name need apostrophe's. Its a travesty, really. A trave'sty.
If you have ANY questions about apostrophes, I beg you - refer to this chart:
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And thus end's this instructional, even life-saving post? Happy National Punctuation Day* everyone!
*National Punctuation Day is on Sep 24 every year.
