Things I Wish I Could Put on My Resume

I'm in the middle of updating and revising my resume right now, and I think it's a shame that I can't include "Oldest of Seven Children" on my list of qualifications/experiences. If I could, it would look a bit like this:

OLDEST 

     Of seven children, everywhere USA and the world 

     July 1999 - Present 

In my position as the oldest offspring of two homeschooling parents, I have spent my life honing communication skills, putting other people's needs before my own, and learning how to be a responsible employee. From my younger siblings and parents, I can benefit your company in the following ways:

• Communication:
• Maintain conversations with people in multiple time zones and countries (simultaneously mocking the way people look on Skype and Google Hangout)
• Hold each simultaneous conversation on a different electronic or face-to-face platform (blaming the bandwidth for static and dropped calls)
• Customer Service:
• Ignore the things I need in order to make sure everyone else is happy (making sure everyone else knows how selfless I am)
• Listening to the needs of other people (then telling them to shut up because their problems are crap)
• Organization:
• Keep drawers, cupboards, desks, and rooms tidy (cleaning only in order to avoid my own chores)
• Plan large parties for dozens of people (delegating tasks to various siblings and then blaming them when something isn't done well)
• Responsibility:
• Supervising half a dozen people in a task (taking all the credit when it's completed in a timely, efficient manner)
• Completing tasks in a timely, efficient manner all by myself (after pushing away the person who was doing it all wrong to begin with)

I just don't understand why employers don't ask for stuff like this. ;-)

In all seriousness, I think about my family every day when I'm at work. Nearly every time someone compliments one of my skills, I can point to my mom, dad, or abundance of siblings for teaching me how to be an excellent employee - and, I hope, a gracious person and halfway decent sister.